Enjoy the Silence

Driving home the other night, I realized it was more or less the anniversary of my car crash last December. Modern society is not much for admitting that humans, despite all their technical advancements, are still fragile beings, at least if you want more than a pill to "fix" whatever is making you feel fragile, so it is easy to minimize the trauma that one goes through. Especially in a day and age where the most horrific tragedies enter every aspect of life through the media and Internet. You walked away, how bad can it be?

Not bad, perhaps, but impacted (excuse the pun).

For most of my life, I've been a pretty good sleeper. There are few times in my life when I've had trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. One of the first times I recall not being able to sleep was when, in junior high, a male friend of mine told me he liked me and I did not share the feeling.

But even that was after my radio days. I used to have a red and white cube radio that looked like a die. The dial was on the top like a big one, and the on/off and volume buttons were the 2 side. In fifth grade, at least on Sunday nights, I used to go to bed listening to the radio, to Casey Kasum's top 100. It was the age of disco and I still recall having to endure 'You Can Ring My Bell' which I believe was performed by a school teacher from somewhere in Pennsylvania.

More recently, I found periods of great stress led me to need something to listen to while falling asleep. My last breakup had me take to listening to my one audio book, Neil Gaiman's 'The Anansi Boys' as read by Lenny Henry. After the crash, I started playing the podcasts I'd started listening to in Hawaii last year to fall asleep. Nothing puts me to sleep quicker than Michael Feldman's "Whad'Ya Know."

In thinking back to grade school, I had thought it was my mother's health that was the issue, but now I'm wondering if it wasn't school itself, at least if I was only listening on Sunday nights. I know people who have bad Sunday night stress. Maybe I did too back then.

I'm to the point where I can get to sleep easily without the podcasts, although I still feel the unease if I've gone to bed late of trying without it. Of embracing the silence once more. Or, perhaps more accurately, the voices inside my head.