Thirty Years

I realized a week or so ago that this month is the 30th anniversary of my mom's death. I was talking to my new boss about time off he had scheduled. It was to mark the first anniversary of his partner's parent's death.

Oh, yeah.

Not sure if it was because of that odd realization, or because 30 years is just such a long time, or if it is because I am nearing her age when she died, but this year is really hard.

I took a walk on the beach, wrote her name and dates in the sand, recited a poem. I got to almost the end of the poem when my voice choked and I was overcome by grief.

It was a milder form of an incident I had in the month or so following her death. JSY and I were at Cholmondeley's getting ice cream and just getting out. The song 'Fire and Rain' started playing. When James Taylor sang, "...but I always thought that I'd see you again.", I just lost it.

I called my mom's best friend today. At first, I got her voicemail so left a message. When I got to the 30 years part, my voice faltered. Is my body betraying me, or merely honoring deep feelings that my rational mind thinks it has a handle on?

Lynne called me back later. We sometimes call either on my mom's birthday or today, since we both are thinking of her. She mentioned remembering my mother's laugh. I realized I don't have a memory of that.

I was still young enough when my mom died that I did not really know her as a person. I really wish I had. I was young and she had been sick on and off for so much of my life that I thought I would see her again.