It's all about me

A very Important thing I've learned is that it really is all about me, or it should be. That may sound selfish, but the fact is that I am the only one who can take care of myself, the only one who can always be there for me, and, as long as I have compassion for the rest of the world, it really is how I need to view the world.

Since I am the primary one my actions effect, I need to think first of my own needs and wants, to make sure I take care of myself and to make sure that I am being the person I want to be.

And, honestly, this is how we work anyways, even if we aren't upfront about it. We try to make what we want happen, by whatever means we have learned.

The corollary to this is that this is what everyone else is doing. Other people's actions become more understandable working under this assumption, and any ideas we have about trying to change people appear as the nearly impossible tasks they are.

What's the alternative?

One of the Important things I've learned in life is that it's too easy to get caught up in thinking that you can't do something. There are always valid sounding reasons that go along with these thoughts and so opting not to do whatever it is seems reasonable. At least, that is, until you look at what happens if you don't do whatever it is.

For example, it can be scary to think of asking a person you like out. And often there are a myriad of reasons why you shouldn't ask any given person out. But, if you are really interested in someone, how much and how long are you going to suffer if you don't take the risk and ask?

We allow ourselves to suffer because we fear that we cannot do whatever it is that we would really like to do without even taking into account how it effects us. So, next time you are talking yourself out of doing something or you think to yourself, "I can't do that!", take some time to ponder what the alternative is, and whether or not you can live with it.

Losing Larry's

Last week, when I was in training, I learned something off-topic: Larry's Markets were in the process of going away. I'd heard a bit on the news about them being for sale, but I had not realized that they were going away. The Importance of this is not the store itself but something its bakery produced. Larry's sold my absolute favorite brownies.

The first time I ever had a Larry's brownie was when I was house managing at the Lee Theatre. At the time, the Belle Arte concert series was hosted there and Larry's did the catering for the event. Those brownies were nut-free and chocolate frosted. While Dan, who ran the light board, was stocking up on the macaroons, I was all about the brownies.

After that, I sought out the brownies in Larry's and learned that they also came in cream cheese frosted. And those became my favorite brownies.

And now it would seem they are gone forever, without me having the chance to stock up before it was too late.

The Power of the Word

It seems like words are undervalued in their power, but I've learned that what you say can matter, especially when it comes to what you say to yourself. While words themselves may not seem very powerful, our use of them is. I say things to myself (internally most of the time) that I would never say to anyone else. My impression is that most people do this. But, when I really began to pay attention to what I was saying to myself, and then began to alter those things to be more compassionate, more patient, more loving, I found that what I'd been saying to myself DID matter.

Apparently, this is why affirmations (*shudder*) work, but I still roll my eyes at them. For me, it is enough to be kind to myself. I find I react well to it, for instance, I remember to do things in a timely fashion more often than I used to.

Pay attention to what you say to yourself and about yourself. It does shape your self-perception and how you relate to the world, and you are probably being harder on yourself than it is useful to be.

9/11

I wish I could say that I learned something profound from the events of September 11th, 2001. Looking back at what has happened since makes me somewhat bitter since I see it as a great opportunity lost. With some painful exceptions, Americans drew, or at least seemed to want to draw, closer together afterwards, but our leaders didn't unite us as they could have; as I believe they should have.


I did learn something because of 9/11: how to make origami cranes. It was my therapy in the days that followed, when I only had broadcast television playing the mindlessly endless loops of the planes hitting, the towers falling, the rescuers searching. I made the cranes without purpose at first, although I gave them to my coworkers and friends. Then I started to stockpile them. I had a plan--I'd make a string of 366 cranes to hang on Alki's Statue of Liberty to mark the first anniversary.

Today, on the fifth anniversary, I saw MSNBC replay The Today Show's coverage from 2001. It seemed refreshing how unemotional it was, with the comment being made that the towers would have to come down after sustaining such damage. The first tower's collapse wasn't even known to be that at the time, but there wasn't speculating about what happened beyond what could be seen. Very different from George W's speech tonight, or I guess at any other time over the past five years.

Make the Thinking Obvious

Making the thinking obvious was a lesson I learned after my last big break up. Here's the gist of it:

The ideas we share with other people, especially those with whom we are trying to have a relationship with, tend to be the end product of a very long and sometimes twisted train of thought. It tends to be that only after wrestling with things internally, imagining how the eventual conversation would go, that we involve the other person, forgetting how little they know of the processing that had been done. Making the thinking obvious by retracing the path traveled to reach wherever that processing had lead helps prevent blindsiding the other person.

Of course, in conjunction with that is the misguided idea that we have to find the solution by ourselves, with either no input from the other person or with only our imagining of the other person's input.

It can feel scary to have ideas that would change the relationship we are in, but change isn't always a bad thing. It's easier, and I think ultimately better, to share such thoughts early, before they get too far down the processing road. For that to really work, though, both parties need to be open to discussing ideas.

The Day After Labor Day

School always started for me the day after Labor Day (well, at least until Grad school). I never had to write one of those 'What I did last summer' essays, but this time of back to school makes me want to review my learning thus far. So, that's what I'm going to do this month with my blog--share my significant learnings, and maybe some insignificant ones as well.